The Rotten Bros
by SoothsayerYui
Summary: After a history of epic failures, can the Rotten Bros. find a way to break their cursed string of defeat suffered at the hands of the Mushroom Kingdom good-guys? For a super gooey chocolate cake? Fourth-wall breaking story following the antics of Wario and Waluigi. Good, old-fashioned Mario humor!
1. The Peace Party and the Chocolate Cake

**A/N: Enjoy a little story featuring Wario and Waluigi and tons of fourth-wall breaking, classic silly Mario humor! With an added bonus of cursing.**

 **Disclaimer: Super Mario Bros. is property of Nintendo.**

* * *

It was about 11:00 a.m. in the Mushroom Kingdom; a normal peaceful day. The happy, yellow sun was shining, the sky was nice and clear with barely a cloud in the sky, the birds were chirping cheerfully, and the Toads of the capital Toad Town were going about their peaceful lives like normal.

This was all considering Bowser was on vacation to a nice, tropical, far-off island for a month, of course.

To celebrate the temporary peace, the princess declared a nationwide "Peace Month." There were going to be parties, carnivals, festivals, trips to the beach—everything good and fun that they could do to squeeze every teeny bit of enjoyment out of this blissful peace they could until the Koopa King returned.

It. Was. DISGUSTING.

Wario wrinkled his pink, bulbous nose at the conference being aired on his little antenna TV, and grumbled under his breath. All this peace and enjoyment made his stomach churn. He was the King of Rotten, after all. He enjoyed the chaos when Bowser was out and making a mess of the kingdom, and the misery on the Toads' faces. Those damn Toads.

Peach's big-blue-eyed, dainty face returned to the screen as she addressed the public, at a podium in the castle's grand hall, surrounded by her typical Toad entourage. "In conclusion, to mark the first _beautiful_ day of Peace Month," she said, spreading her arms in a flourish, "Mushroom Castle will be hosting a party today, which will be starting at 5:00, sharp."

"Eh? A party? Pffft. Get a life, Peachy," Wario remarked mockingly, and lazily screwed his index finger into his left nostril. Then he examined it. He flicked it.

"The evening will begin with an hour-long tennis tournament in the Royal Tennis Court," the TV continued.

"Oh, boy. My least-favorite sport," Wario grumbled sarcastically.

"The winner of the tournament will be rewarded with four tickets to Mushroom Kingdom Water Park!" The crowd "ooh-ed."

Wario remained unimpressed. He was banned from the water park. Not only do they not appreciate that people just have to fart, even if they're in the water, but he got thrown out for testing his expensive new Wario-Turbo-Rocket-Pak on the 20-foot Whirling Slide… which he'd accidently destroyed. Even so, the people on the slide and in the water had been _screaming_ with joy. He didn't get it.

"The second hour will provide a cooling-off period for everyone in the Mushroom Lounge. There will be games and party favors."

Wario raspberry-ed the TV.

"And then at 7:00 we'll sit down and have an extravagant dinner!" she said excitedly. "We hired the best chef Toads in the kingdom."

His disinterest paused and his ear perked up. "Food? This is getting interesting." He waved his hand at the TV snobbishly, "Go on. I'm waiting."

"I'm not going to spoil dinner for you," she added with a cute wink, "but some of the courses involve sirloin steak, lobster… and garlic and lemon stuffed tender chicken."

Wario's big, bucket mouth dropped and drool started pooling out.

"And, finally… a five-layered triple chocolate-fudge-pudding-whipped-cream-sprinkle-make-you-turn-into-a-puddle-of-goo cake!"

"Sweet Mother of Garlic," Wario croaked. The only thing that cake was missing was… well, garlic! Wario jumped out of his chair and wrapped his hands around the TV, in lieu of grabbing someone's neck, demanding hysterically, "TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE! IS IT A PUBLIC PARTY OR DOES IT HAVE A LIST?!"

"Lastly, the party does have a guest list."

"DOH!"

Peach was handed a rolled-up, peach-colored parchment. She rolled it open to the top of the page as the rest of the paper unraveled in a pile beside her. "Now…" she began, and Wario started listening intently, "here are the names of the people invited to our grand party:

Antasma. Any Beanbean residents. Bedsmith. Beldam. Big Massif. Birdo. Count Bleck. Admiral Bobbery. Bollyhoo and Big Top. Brighton. Broggy. Broque Monsieur. Baron Brrr. Cackletta. Coach. Cranky Kong. Princess Daisy. Diddy Kong. Dimentio. Dino Piranha. Dixie Kong. Donkey Kong. Prince Dreambert. Any Dry Bones. Eldream. Elvin Gadd. Fawful. Flint Cragley. F.L.U.D.D. Fred. Funky Kong."

The list went on for about another twenty minutes… Wario began to doze off, holding his cheek up as he leaned on the half-eaten-away chair arm. But he became attentive again when she started with the Ws.

And…then she breezed through the Ws. Now she was finishing, as Wario scowled furiously at the TV screen. His eyes were bugging out with pure rage. "And, last, but not least… Z-Yux. Thank you! I hope you all have a great time! Remember, 5:00!"

"Sharp!" a Toad chimed in.

The screen faded to commercials. Wario stared at it angrily for a moment.

Then he jumped up and strangled the TV again, but this time shook it violently as if it would give him the answers he was demanding. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! COME ON, YOU PIECE OF—!"

Growling, he broke off and whirled around—leaving the TV to crack and fall backwards off its sad little stand—and scratched his chin pensively, beginning his angry monologue.

"Man, I can't _believe_ this! She goes to all the trouble of planning a party so _allllllllll_ the residents could have a peaceful month, and she _doesn't even think_ to put me on her _STUPID_ reservation list?!" He threw his hands up, "And that list! Who the hell is _Admiral Bobbery_?! And Barron Brrr?" He crossed his arms in angry confusion. "Bollyhoo, that idiot that hosted Mario Party 8," he grumbled. "And _MONKEYS!_ She invited monkeys! And DINO PIRANHA! I don't know who that is, but he doesn't sound like a good guy!" He shook his head and growled. "That's IT. I'm gonna find _some_ way to get into that party if it's the last thing I do!" He put his hands on his hips dramatically. "But it _won't_ be! Because I'm-a awesome! Wah-hahahaha!"

He grinned sinisterly and scratched his chin like a cool, intelligent evil villain. "And I know _just_ the guy to help me…"

An hour later, Waluigi stood in his apartment, his lanky arms resting indignantly on his narrow-as-a-pole hips. "Did you just say 'Fawful'?" he demanded, with similar outrage as Wario had expressed when he'd been listening to the television.

" _Yeah_ ," Wario answered emphatically. "AND Cackletta. And some random dude named Fred."

"Rrrrgh," Waluigi growled and flared his nostril, crossing his arms. "Fred?! That guy doesn't even have a cool name!"

"I _KNOW!_ " It was nice to have somebody as outraged as he was. He knew calling his partner in crime was a good idea. Then again, Wario's head was loaded with good ideas. "So… you in?"

"You bet _like HELL_ I'm in!" Waluigi declared, balling his fists. Then he pointed and waved an angry finger, "That princess thinks we're a couple-a dummies, doesn't she? Well, we'll show her."

Wario grinned evilly and held out his fisted knuckles, "We're-a gonna crash that party!"

Waluigi bumped his fist with his own and sneered, "And take the cake out with us!"

"Yeah! Ha ha!" Then Wario paused, drawing a blank. "What's the plan?"

Waluigi smacked him upside the head.

As Wario lost his balance and stumbled over, Waluigi had an evil, thoughtful moment, "Lucky for you, I'm the brains of this here operation. Gimme an hour, and I'll come up with somethin' good…"

It was 4:55 p.m. Sharp. Wario had taken care of the Guard Toads quite easily, by bribing them with his "super-special Cheez-in-Can." Turned out it was his super-special "Wario's Fart-in-a-Can." Ha. Losers.

Now he was sitting behind a tall hedge that had a convenient peek-hole to the front walkway of Mushroom Castle, watching the guests arrive. Those damn, snooty guests.

He sat and waited. And waited. He checked his new watch, the clock face shaped like garlic, and the hands shaped like lightning bolts. (Like his awesome mustache.) It was 5:04. He glared at it and growled, "Where is that damn Waluigi?! It's—"

His cell phone started chiming. Well, laughing—as his ringtone was his own recorded laughter. He flinched and ducked as he noticed the last-minute guests all simultaneously stop in the walkway and glance around.

Practically eating the hedges, he hissed into the phone, "Waluigi, WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! Why the hell aren't you here?!"

"It's only 5:04, moron!" Waluigi's voice responded. Then a pause. "Are you there already?!"

"YES! Why wouldn't I be?!"

"Because they won't bring out the cake until 7:00, you idiot!"

Wario was about to say something, but stopped. And blinked. "Oh," he said. "Right. Didn't think of that."

Waluigi wanted to reach his hand through the phone and smack him.


	2. Infiltrating the Castle!

**Disclaimer: Super Mario Bros. is property of Nintendo.**

* * *

It was 6:55 p.m. Sharp. Wario was still sitting behind the hedge, with his arms crossed. Waluigi finally arrived, carrying a black, sleek suitcase.

He smacked Wario upside the head for the phone call earlier, and then moved on. "You know, you could've gotten a pizza or something in the time you just sat here, doing nothing."

Wario paused again, and then slammed his fist on the ground, "DOH! Damn it!" He sighed heavily, and then stood. "Well, whatever. It would've ruined my appetite for cake, anyway."

"Haven't you been saving coupons for, like, three months to get a free pizza?"

Wario stomped his foot, "DOH! GRAH!"

"Ah, whatever," Waluigi sighed. Then he presented the suitcase to him, "Anyway, Look what I got. We'll make it into the castle for sure with these disguises!"

As Waluigi reached to open the suitcase, Wario stopped him, holding his palm up. He gave Waluigi a dry look. "Wait a minute. Disguises?"

"Yeah," Waluigi sneered. "Got a problem with that?"

"Ehh," he droned, unimpressed. "Disguises never work quite right. Remember that time we tried to get into the Super-Super Club downtown?"

Waluigi grimaced at the memory, and then shook it off. "Ah, forget about them; this'll work brilliantly, watch. Besides," he added, narrowing his eyes, "you were the one who didn't have any plans made up. So shut up and take one."

Wario shrugged, and Waluigi continued opening the case. Inside were two black burglar-like uniforms, and two bandanas; one Wario Yellow and the other Waluigi Purple. Matched their hats like they were made for each other. (Which they were, but whatever.)

After making googly eyes at the new clothes, Wario took his out, and then cocked his head at it. "Okay… So… Your brilliant plan is to go in dressed like robbers?"

"Hey. Trust me. You remember when Mario and his stupid buddies—and Bowser—went to Flipside to find the Pure Hearts?"

"Ehh…" Wario had to think about it for… quite a few seconds. Mario went on too many dumb adventures for him to keep them straight.

Waluigi gave up on him remembering after a whole two minutes and kept going, "ANYWAY, Luigi got hypnotized into thinking he was some kind of 'cool' villain named Mr. L. And they gave him a costume like this." He held up a finger, smirking. "And _none of those fools_ recognized him! The ENTIRE time!"

Wario stared at him. "Are you pullin' my leg?"

"No," he responded coolly. "Besides, your leg's too stumpy to pull. Oh, the icing on the cake? He was even wearing his hat."

Wario blinked. "His green cap?"

"Yep."

"The one with the 'L' on it?"

"Uh-huh."

Wario smacked himself. And they called him stupid. " _Woooooow_." He grinned then, "Alright! Good plan!" He started stepping into the black burglar suit, "Let's crash this par—oof!"

He tipped over like a turtle and waddled around on his back. Waluigi just sighed at him and started to pull his own suit on.

The only room in the castle large enough to contain all their wacky guests was the ballroom—which they'd actually never used. Four impossibly long tables were stretched across the entire room. At the end of those tables was a shorter horizontal table special for Peach, Toadsworth, Mario, and Luigi.

The terrible two watched from a window, saw that the spread had just begun. They heard the princess's flowery voice echo through her microphone as she stood and addressed her guests.

"I'm so glad you could all make it," she said, her words dripping with honey. "I hope you enjoyed the games last hour. Again, my apologies about the dart incident, Princess Shroob."

The younger Princess Shroob was sitting at the far end of the rightmost table, with a large bandage on her purple head. She growled something wrathful that nobody understood, except for her sister, and shook her fist. But the pink princess seemed oblivious.

"So… Without further ado, my precious guests, let's say we eat!" she announced. Toadsworth gave her a round of applause that was returned by about 3/4 of the room, as servant Toads just began to finish delivering the food.

"Man," Wario grumbled. "Her voice is just so… so… sweet. Like honey. Smooth and flowery." He shuddered. "Makes me wanna gag. How did I never notice that before?"

"Beats me," Waluigi muttered. "Anyway, let's go. We can't let them get to that dessert!"

Waluigi began to scale the wall. He was somehow deftly able to use little cracks in the bricks and window frames as footholds. Wario glanced up, and back at his own legs, doubting this idea.

"Aw, come on, you wimp!" Waluigi yelled down.

"Aaargh, wimp?!" Wario growled. "You know I'm just gonna fall!"

"That's not my problem! Hey, if you can't get up here, that cake is mine!"

"WHAT?!" Wario clenched his teeth and his fists. "THIS WHOLE THING WAS MY IDEA, STUPID!"

"It was my idea, you idiot!"

Wario thought quickly, and grabbed a piece of garlic from his invisible pockets. He took a bite out of it… and felt the pressure building up. Then he let it rip. He blasted off on a wave of fart, leaving Waluigi gasping and falling into the cloud of nastiness. He reached the roof with perfect form and laughed victoriously.

He stopped laughing when Waluigi climbed up like a madman and kicked him in the rear.

After taking a minute to recover, they forgot the mess and regrouped. Waluigi crouched so Wario could look at the map he'd stolen from the castle tourist station earlier.

"Alright, look. After this floorplan map," he explained, turning the page, "there's another map of the castle's plumbing. If we—"

"What? The plumbing?" Wario asked, holding them up again. "Do they go on plumbing tours, or what?!"

"I don't know, idiot!" Waluigi conked him on the head. "Pay attention! I was saying… If we take that pipe that's conveniently sitting in broad daylight on the roof over there, we'll end up in a closet outside of the ballroom."

"Wow. That _is_ convenient," Wario observed. Then they glanced over at the random green pipe sticking out of the pink roof tiles. "And totally random."

"And tacky," Waluigi replied, adjusting the purple bandana around his neck. He tied his burglar mask on. "Ready?"

"I was born ready to eat some cake," Wario replied, and drooled at the memory. A five-layered triple chocolate-fudge-pudding-whipped-cream-sprinkle-make-you-turn-into-a-puddle-of-goo cake!

"Hey," Waluigi snapped, "Stop drooling. You'll get us caught!" He clamped Wario's jaw back up and went to go down the pipe first. Wario shook his head and then followed.

In the ballroom, most of the guests were enjoying the feast. Some of the villains grumbled over it, but they weren't being paid much attention.

"You've outdone yourself again, princess!" Mario remarked happily while he stuffed his face with chicken legs.

"Master Mario, manners, please!" Toadsworth tried to say, but was spoken over by Peach.

"Thank you so, so much, Mario! That means a lot to me!" she said giddily.

Walking beside the table with refill glasses, a Toad gave the back of her head a dry scowl, "We were the ones who did all the work."

"I gotta admit," Mario continued, mopping his mouth with a sigh after Toadsworth nearly threw a napkin at him, "I was kinda worried about all the villains on the invitation list. But they seem to be behaving themselves."

"Well, you have already given them a sound thrashing," Toadsworth mentioned. "I'm sure they must know their place by now."

"If only Bowser would do the same," Peach agreed with a giggle.

Luigi nervously shifted in his chair as the other three laughed. He knew the villains were giving them angry looks by the slight burning sensation on the back of his head. "Uh, guys… Maybe we shouldn't, you know, insult them after we invited them to dinner…?" he suggested meekly. He heard a voice grumbling, "Count Bleck is displeased by this," and cringed slightly. "Guys, seriously… They're… Guys?" They weren't listening. "Hello?"

In the room behind the ballroom, Wario and Waluigi had successfully landed in the closet. But while Waluigi had a nasty surprise as Wario landed on him, they regained themselves and cautiously exited the closet.

There happened to be a Toad walking by with a tray. He paused. They paused. It was a long moment, and Wario produced a sweat bead.

"I didn't see a thing," the Toad muttered to himself and walked away.

Wario and Waluigi exchanged a look. "Well, that was easy," Wario remarked.

"I'm still waiting for something to happen," Waluigi said anxiously. "Things never work out this well for us." He instinctively flinched as if alarms were about to go off just as he said that. But nothing happened.

"Aw, quite bein' a baby. Besides, the longer we sit around and worry, the more likely something's gonna happen!" Wario reminded him. Waluigi was somewhat impressed with that observation. "And more likely we won't get that cake!" he declared with his finger in the air.

They made across the room and listened at the double-doors to the ballroom. They heard lots of silverware clinking, lots of murmuring conversations that couldn't be made out.

A couple of Toads came out of the ballroom with trays. The completely ignored the extremely suspicious people in the burglar suits. Wario and Waluigi shrugged to each other, and decided to wing it.

But when Wario was about to step out, Waluigi grabbed his collar. "Hey!" Wario complained. "What's up now?!"

"They're not serving dessert yet, idiot!" Waluigi growled. "It's only 7:05! Let's sneak back into the kitchen! The Toads don't seem to care about us."

Wario paused for a moment, and sighed. "I guess. It's no fun, though." As they turned and walked down the hall, Wario continued to grumble, "We got these cool costumes for nothin'. I wanted to see the dumb looks on their faces."

"We can still hold 'em up," Waluigi suggested. "Sounds like fun to me."

"Okay," Wario agreed like a sullen child.

On the way through, nervous pauses with the serving Toads began to turn to friendly waves. They even exchanged a "how do you do." Man, these Toads were casual.


	3. The Home Stretch! It's-a Battle Time!

**Disclaimer: Super Mario Bros. is property of Nintendo.**

* * *

For novelty's sake, they busted into the kitchen, the white doors flapping behind them. Wario pointed his index finger for no particular reason, "This is a stick-up!" All of the Toads froze and gasped. Many of them dropped their trays.

Waluigi smacked him upside the head. "No, you idiot! You stick 'em up in the ballroom!" He faced the Toads more casually, who seemed have eased. "You got the cake for us?"

The Toads gave each other looks. They shrugged at each other. "Well, yeah, but… it's already going out."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" they both bellowed.

"Yeah. Dang, that Table 3 sure knows how to eat."

With that, Wario and Waluigi were out of the room like firecrackers. Without thinking, they burst into the ballroom. No one noticed them at first, until Peach glanced over, and gave a girly gasp.

"Oh, no!" she said fearfully, holding her dainty gloved hands up to her mouth. "Robbers!"

The crowds of eating patrons all stopped to stare at them, then. It was almost dead silent, except for Toadsworth's panicking voice.

Waluigi waited for Wario to "stick 'em up," and when he didn't, Waluigi kicked his fanny across the room and held his index finger out at them. It wasn't in lieu of a gun—it was just a point. "Alright, everybody, stop what you're doing and put your hands in the air, because this is a stick-up!"

After a short pause, and everyone exchanged some glances…almost everyone in the room raised their hands, even though they didn't look particularly panicked.

"What would you order us to do if we do not possess hands?"

Waluigi glanced around the room in search of the mechanical voice, and found F.L.U.D.D. had pointed its nozzle at him. He smacked himself and muttered under his breath, "Who invites a water pump to eat dinner?" Interestingly enough, it appeared there were chunks of food in its container. Waluigi sighed. "Just… uh… don't worry about it! Just stay put!"

"Confirmed."

Wario, having landed on one of the tables, was covered in foodstuff. He wiped pieces of salad off his rear with a grimace, and pulled a bagel covered with low-fat whipped cream out of his mouth. "Now," he declared, spurting an extra piece out, "where's the cake?!"

"What cake?" Peach asked with whimper. "There—There is a cake on each table."

"Eh? Really?" Wario turned around to glance.

"Wait!" Mario declared, putting his arms down and standing on his chair in defiance. "You can't have any! That cake was only for the people invited to this peaceful party! You weren't on the list!"

"To hell with your stupid list!" Wario shot back at him. "Would we have come dressed as robbers if we cared about your list?!"

"Well… No…" Mario admitted.

"Mario…!" Luigi whispered with wide eyes. "Those guys are—"

"Luigi, now is not the time to freak out," Mario told him, taking a heroic stance. "I'm gonna kick your butts outta my party! Haah!" He jumped into the air, across the room to face Wario, who met him with a fist. As they collided, a giant yellow star burst out and an RPG battle sequence began. "Let's-a go!"

Suddenly they seemed to have a small, clear battle area that looked like the ballroom, though there hadn't been space for it a moment ago. Jazzy battle music had started to play, and blocks were hovering over their heads.

Wario looked up in confusion, and then glanced over at Mario, who seemed to be selecting one of the blocks, which were magically rotating on their own. And was he crazy, or was Mario dancing?

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Wario bellowed. "You are _NOT_ dancing!"

"Don't you hear the battle music back from my Superstar Saga?" Mario asked him exasperatedly as if this was obvious. "I can't help it! It's catchy!" (In the background, Luigi peeked over the back of the chair and muttered, "My"?)

Wario was about to yell at him, but paused and listened. "Huh. It kinda is. Whaddya know." He fought the urge to dance, too. He didn't need to get distracted.

It was a good thing he hadn't, because he looked up in time to see Mario falling to stomp on his head. He flung him back into the air by shoving his feet with his hands.

Mario landed on his side and took 1 HP damage. He jumped back up and shouted in outrage, "HEY! You can't do that! You can either jump or hit me with a hammer, but you can't…have free movement!"

"What are you _talking_ about?!" Wario groaned in exasperation.

Then someone edged into the battle and whispered, "Pssst! Man with the fists and thighs of beef! Are you wanting the beat-down of Mario?"

Wario glanced around until he found a strange green man in a red cloak. "Heeeh?" He stuck his finger in her ear to clean it out. "Come again?"

"You are wanting the beating of Mario?" he repeated loudly with annoyance.

Wario stared at him for a moment, before his words registered, "Uh… Beat Mario. Yeah, sure."

Fawful sighed. "I have the planning. Listen to this!"

Mario gaped as Fawful began to whisper a battle strategy to Wario. "HEY! You can't do that, either! You bean freak!"

Fawful turned back and growled at Mario, "Your party is having the boringness of a loaf of meat!"

Mario gasped in horror, "What? How dare you!"

Fawful skittered away from the battle instead of conversing with the red-hatted fiend. Wario was grinning ear-to-ear with confidence now, and Mario didn't like it.

"You can have my turn," Wario told him blandly.

"Huh? You can't do that ei…" Then he changed his mind, "Uh, never mind. Thanks a lot!" Idiot Wario.

This time he hit his mark, putting his shoes all over Wario's face. Wario made a dramatic dying gargle sound before hitting the ground. "Hah-hah!" Mario cheered with victory.

He heard a strange noise coming from behind him. It was a ground of three Bob-ombs with strange timers on them. They exploded. Mario lost all his HP. Wario jumped up and cheered as the battle arena warped back into the regular ballroom.

"Y…You… You can't do that… to me…" Mario twitched on the floor. "Again…"

The crowd of villains cheered for Wario, who was basking in the brilliant light of darkness. Then Peach's shrill objection ruined it.

"No, no! Why are you all cheering?!" She made a tearful expression and held a napkin to her eye. "Mario's been hurt! We invited you to our wonderful party, and—"

"Oh, can it, Princess!" Cackletta jeered.

"We have only the coming for the cake!" Fawful chimed in.

"Yes! Where exactly is this puddle-of-goo cake you promised us?" Beldam, sitting a table across, wanted to know.

Nastasia's glasses glinted with malice. "You're gonna need to present that cake, pronto, or you're gonna have a riot on your hands. M'kay?"

The elder Shroob princess made a monstrous agreeing noise and demonstrated her anger by punching a hole in the table.

"It's… It's…" Peach stammered, whimpering.

"It's coming out now," a serving Toad answered them casually.

Waluigi and Wario exchanged a look of disbelief. "WHAT?! It was back there the whole time?!" Waluigi demanded.

"Huh? Of course it… _OOOOH_ ," the Toad realized. "You meant the extra-gooey cake. Sorry about that. We made, like, eleven cakes."

Waluigi growled and slumped, but was invigorated again when the gigantic, beautiful chocolate cake came through the double-doors, being held by five serving Toads. Everyone in the ballroom stood up at once to gaze at its chocolate beauty.

"It is the cake of gooey goodness!" Fawful declared.

"I strongly suggest you appease your enemies by giving them a great percentage of the cake… advises Count Bleck," the Count advised.

Nastasia scribbled something down on a notepad, "About 65% of it, to be exact."

"65%?!" Toadsworth repeated with outrage. "That's madness!"

"Yeah, that's right!" Waluigi interrupted. "You should be demanding 90%!" Agreeable, evil murmuring followed, while Wario gave him a scowl.

"Hey, moron, what do you think you're—"

"Just trust me, moron," Waluigi whispered and raised his smacking hand in warning. Fortunately Wario took it.

"We didn't have this party so we could argue over the cake," Peach addressed the crowd with a sad voice. "Please, can we just… Oh…" A tear escaped and she turned her head away.

Mario miraculously gained back some HP in a fit of heroic vengefulness, "Grr! How…dare you make the princess cry! You villains! You'll pay for that!"

"What are you gonna do about it, you fungus-sniffer?!" Cackletta jeered, which was followed by a high-pitched cackle from Fawful.

"You are _such_ a rude witch," Goombella shot out from the other side of the room.

"Yes, she is," Dr. Toadley agreed. "And are these villains wasting my valuable time off of work? Yes, they are."

Meanwhile, Luigi rested his elbow on the table and twirled the straw in his drink with boredom. "I'm never gonna get any cake now."

"I knew inviting villains was a bad idea!" Mario affirmed. "C'mon, guys! There's three times more heroes in here than villains! Let's stomp 'em!"

A crowd's cheer of "Yeeeeeeeeeeeah!" echoed in the room like a stadium, and suddenly the ballroom because a fighting arena. Wario and Waluigi scooted off to the side and watched limbs poke out of the giant cloud of smoke. They winced at some crashing, breaking, thumping, yelping, and screeching, and then smirked at each other.

"Awesome plan, right?" Waluigi snickered.

"I know! Glad I thought of it," Wario said and started walking off before Waluigi could smack him.

They approached the five Toads carrying the giant tray and shadowed them threateningly. "Give us the cake," Wario ordered.

The Toads exchanged glances for just a moment. "Okay," they agreed, and let him carry it with one hand. It glowed like a treasure in a video game as Wario raised it into the air and laughed victoriously. "Wah-hah-hah! I got the five-layered triple chocolate-fudge-pudding-whipped-cream-sprinkle-make-you-turn-into-a-puddle-of-goo cake!"

"Let's GO, already!" Waluigi shouted, holding the door open. As they began their exit—the cake miraculously keeping perfect form as Wario toted it out with one hand—Luigi and the Toads kept quiet amidst the bubble of rampage in the middle of the room.

"There's another cake, Luigi," one of the Toads told him. "We kept it in the back room in case everybody forgot you again."

"Really?" Luigi hopped off his seat. "Woo-hoo!"

Meanwhile, Wario and Waluigi were running down the long, long, long hallway in the middle of the castle. A dark sense of dread was creeping behind them, and they didn't know why. Everything had gone perfectly so far, and as often as they kept turning their heads, there was no one heroically following them.

They faced each other and grinned triumphantly. "We did it, Waluigi! We got away with the cake!"

"That's gotta be the first plan that's worked out for us in fifteen years!"

"Ha ha ha!"

Then.

Wario's pointed shoe caught on a slight crack in the tiling.

Waluigi turned with horror as Wario dramatically began to fall in slow-motion. "Waaariooo, nooooooo…!"

"Myyyyyy caaaaaaaaaaaaake…!" Wario lamented in a deep, warped voice as his face hit the ground and the cake flew into the air. (Still in perfect form.) It flew past Waluigi's head and he knew there was no hope. It was all over. It had been too good to be true.

After clattering and spinning about a thousand times, the cake plate finally landed flat. Each tier of the cake also fell back perfectly into place.

Wario, on the ground, and Waluigi, still on his feet, just stood in utter shock and stared at it.

"What, is this thing made of cement?!" Waluigi would've really liked to know.

Wario continued to stare at it. Then he decided, you know what? They'd come this far already. "You know what? We've come this far already! Let's just take the damn cake and figure out the cement thing later!"

"For once, I think you're right!"

* * *

Wario and Waluigi placed the chocolate cake on the table in his apartment. It was so tall it almost touched the ceiling. They sat at either end, worshiping it and at the same time waiting for it to explode or something.

Wario peeked around the side. "You touch it first."

Waluigi mimicked him, "No way. You do it. You know, without gulping the whole thing down."

Wario sat back and stared it down. After a whole five minutes of listening to the clock tick, he stood on the chair and wielded his butter knife. "Alright. I'm-a gonna do it. Here goes! Wario Cut!"

He jumped and sliced the knife through the whole thing and then waited a beat. Some of the chocolate oozed onto the table, but otherwise it was still intact. Wario and Waluigi only exchanged one glace before taking their forks and eating directly off of it.

They finished it in exactly 32.571 seconds. They slumped back into the wooden kitchen chairs with their temporary pot bellies and belched.

"This was…" Wario paused to belch again. "…the best day…ever… Ooooh… Chocolate…" He exhaled and crossed his arms like an evil villain. "I knew it would work out. After all, I'm the King of Rotten."

"Ehh?" Waluigi grumbled. "Why are you the 'King of Rotten'? Most of it was my idea. I got the suits, I stole the map, I got the villains worked up—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Wario belched again and sighed with satisfaction. Best cake ever. Well, best cake without any garlic on it. "I'll tell ya someday why I'm so rotten."

"Oh, I'm dying to hear that one..."

* * *

 **A/N: This story was originally going to be a longer series, but as my interest in which stories I wanted to write changed, I decided to just make it its own story. It's good on its own, anyway. I love writing for Wario and Waluigi. And any villains, really.**

 **Hope you enjoyed it.**


End file.
